Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Apartment Hunting.
As usual, i seem to find ways to
screw everything up. But I suppose
this time it's not too bad.. just unplanned.
As it's nearly the 1st of march, I've figured/found
my roommates for next year [which will be def. both Erin
and Maddy].
We've decided that we want to live around the division blue line
stop over in wicker park preferably by Michael and Kevin B.
We're planning to go down to chicago apartment finders office
in blemont this saturday to meet with them and begin the process
of finding a place.
The goal is to move out in the last few weeks of school
into our new place so that we won't be forced to do it all in one
day or to be forced to find storage for a period of time.
All in all I'm looking forward to it.
Both erin and maddy are super nice
and I'll be able to get along/live with them
really well. :]
It helps also that i've got a ton of things
to decorate our [future] apartment with. should
be super nice.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
It seems like in my
circle of friends, talk of protest
and resistance have come up more and more.
They always say that the media learned not to show
the dead [and like images] on television. That it creates
anti-war sediments. I'd say that they also learned not to cover
stories about anti-war & civil rights movements.
I'm tired of my generation
getting shit from the previous ones
saying that we're complacent... that we do nothing.
The problem isn't that we don't care and that we do nothing,
the problem is that we do things and it simply isn't covered.
(examples: a man burned himself alive in the middle of a street in
chicago last year in protest of the iraq war, all ports along the west coast were
shut down on May Day last year in protest of the iraq war, the demonstrations/police riot
at the RNC this past year in St. Paul; all not covered.)
When you begin to realize that the
flow of news and media that you get via
main stream media sources all come from 2 to 3
sources, you have to wonder what the hell are you being fed.
More often than not the average consumer takes in these different
forms of news not questioning anything about them. Not weather what they're
hearing is true or not or weather there is an agenda behind what they're hearing or
why it is that they are hearing THESE stories rather than others.
I never questioned it
until last year and it's not until
this year that I'm even doing anything about it.
I'm choosing now to get my news from alternative outlets
rather than simply turning to mainstream media.
Speaking of which there's
an anti-war and immigration rights coalition
rally/protest on march 14th. I will be there.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Exedra and things like that.
Breath in the cool eastern air
while facing west. Walk a mile in the
the shoes of the boy you bullied in elementary school.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Life in Bernankeville.
The torn flag flutters in the breeze
reflecting the state of the nation.
Below on Michigan avenue the multitudes
of cars decrease as the number of
tattered women and men take to the streets in droves.
Their clumsily written signs are words written for helpless eyes.
The once beautiful copper siding on the skyscrapers are tarnished.
Bridges were built
to bring the people jobs
but were quickly made their homes.
The frigid waters of Lake Michigan serve
as the bath water for millions. The sky is brown
with the dirt of the dust bowl quickly forming in the southern
planes of america. In the streets wild animals run free.
Chicago, 2013
reflecting the state of the nation.
Below on Michigan avenue the multitudes
of cars decrease as the number of
tattered women and men take to the streets in droves.
Their clumsily written signs are words written for helpless eyes.
The once beautiful copper siding on the skyscrapers are tarnished.
Bridges were built
to bring the people jobs
but were quickly made their homes.
The frigid waters of Lake Michigan serve
as the bath water for millions. The sky is brown
with the dirt of the dust bowl quickly forming in the southern
planes of america. In the streets wild animals run free.
Chicago, 2013
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Come Join the Youth and Beauty Brigade.
"The only constant thing is change"
A truer quote, I've never heard. From week to
week I change my plans for life. Although people say,
"you're only 20, you don't need to know what you're going to do
with your life." I always like to know plans so that I can have a map
in my mind for the direction I want to go with my life.
In this case I've taken a turn
that's lead my right back to the decision that
I had made towards the end of last semester:
Major in photography, work on sets outside of
class. The reasons for which I have chosen to come back
around to this direction have changed though. Before
it was out of strict frustration and rebellion. Now
the decision comes from the knowlage that despite all
the b.s. that I have to go through to do photo, I will still never
find anything else that I enjoy more. I am a photographer and will
always be a photographer before I'm a filmmaker.
With that being said, as of right now
I feel like i've gone 14 days with out any weekend
to be seen. Never the less so far it's been good the past
two weeks although stressful. Shooting constantly, printing constantly.
I've been doing some shoots while
hanging out with friends this past week too.
Got a few more to shoot that they've got playing around
in their minds as well. Should be pretty funny/ridiculous.
In this past week Micheal introduced me
to his sister, a website called fecal face, and an artist/photographer
who goes by the name SwampDonkey... and they're all pretty great
I must say.
One last thing: Jaydiohead, I dig it. :]
Thursday, February 19, 2009
... and go.
Today marks the first day in the long secession of days of which I should/will be living in the darkroom. Last night I would've had my camera worked.
It had been suggested that I change the battery for my AE-1, and so today I went out to buy one. As of right now it still has not found it's way into the camera; although not for lack of trying.
Kyle's been cool enough to let me barrow his camera so I think whenever I wake up today, I'll just go out and shoot a few rolls with that. I'm hoping it doesn't fuck up. The shutter sounds nasty, but I really need it to get the job done. I figure I'll take my camera into the cage whenever I go to develop my film and see if they can figure it out.
Last sunday I went out to Pilson for the 1st time to shoot with Sean and Pete whom I had met on saturday night. Since that neighborhood seemed pretty chill, I came back yesterday and shot out there again. This time it was up around the 18th street stop. I got a few exposures in before the camera called it quits and the snow began.
(also snapped a few shots with my digital camera before heading back to the loop as well.)
Rule of the week: Shoot during the day, develop & print at night.
Aka, live sleep and breath photography. These don't even count the random
shoots that I guess Cat, Erin, and Michael all want to do... but since those are to
be shot with the digital camera, those come last.
On an entirely different subject,
it's occurred to me that Michael is quickly
becoming my best friend... that is to say, if it hasn't
happened already.
Are you serious?
Am I the only person that hates this new Pepsi campaign?
It's not so much that I hate the image as much as I hate the way it was/is being executed.
I'm not really sure about you, but i don't want to be bombarded with obnoxious blatant advertisements everywhere I go.
It seems like anytime I step outside of my door in chicago, all I see is Pepsi. I live in chicago, not Pepsi-town!
Jesus Christ. I know in Dallas, it wasn't so bad. It was confided to billboards. In chicago whole buildings and train cars are being taken over. Taking it one step further, at some train stations, once you step out of the train car which is litterily lined with the new pepsi advertisements, you're confronted once again with huge pepsi banners on the platform. Thus, slowly turning chicago into one big 3-dimensional pepsi ad.
... and i'm not really sure if I'd be so bothered by it or even aware of it had I not taken Intro to Cultural Studies. But as it goes, I think it's really freaking annoying.
I've been in the process of reading about 3 to 4 different books at once right now. One of them is called No Logo by Naomi Klein. In her [sub] chapter, Branding the Cityscape she talks about this very thing. (I've scanned in and uploaded the pages from that so the few of you that read this can check it out:pg. 1, pg. 2, pg. 3)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Cool Hand Luke.
So this might sound a little ridiculous and obvious. But idk I was in the shower (which i've always considered to be my best thinking place) and it hit me. I can still be whatever I want. Or maybe rather I should say study whatever I want.
On one side I still feel like i'm locked into this... that I've taken so many credits that I can't change to photography now and that I should still continue on with film, but on the other had I could still say ef it and just go with photography. I've had a renewed sense of love for the craft since I started taking the classes. It's all very stressful and humbling; but still very exciting. Maybe this has come about simply because these classes force me to go out and take the time to make some worth while images... and to stay with a scene for more than a split second. It also provides me with a challenge.. which i think is something that every photographer needs. My last challenge was music photography and that hasn't been real challenge for a few years now.
I've still got a ton to learn and I could still make the decision to become a photo major. I think that's something that I'll have to decide by the end of the semester though. I'll be playing summer ketch up anyway it goes though.
Today on a whim I decided to finally set up my scanner. I'm pretty stoked on it, I won't lie. I don't know much about scanners, but this one seems to be pretty awesome. It's already scanning better quality than that of the scanner I shared back home with my parents... and it's only running at 300 dpi right now. It goes up to 1600. Stoked. But yeah, so I pretty much just stayed in all night (minus the run to Bar Louie to eat with alison) scanning in some prints from Foundations & Darkroom as well as tons of polaroids that i've had for a good long while now.
Also did probably the most ridiculous shoot with Zach, Chris, Erin, Michael and Cat tonight. Got too caught up with scanning to upload and edit those though. As I right, I'm still procrastinating on the homework that's due at 9am in the morning.. right now it's 2:55am. I need to get a move on.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Because the internet quiet.
annnddd it's gone.
I talked some more with Michael tonight
about it and I am officially off facebook. Which is sweet.
Apparently I'm like 7th person he's got to deactivate their facebooks.
We'll see how this works out.
But really to rely on something
like that to carry through your social interactions
is kind of scary and ridiculous. For Adam [in canada]
and Trib [in AK] I'll be writing them physical letters and sending
them stuff. I've been doing that for awhile now with random strangers thanks
to sendsomething.net. But now I'm gonna start doing it with my friends. More phone
calls will be made. And although I like texts to be more straight to the point, I might have
to give in and become a conversationalist.
So far I guess Maddy hasn't been up
to Greektown, China town, or Little India
so I'll be taking her there... and also to Evanston
so we can go to the Baha'i temple which is absolutely gorgeous
[They build only one Baha'i temple on each content and they just happen
to have built one like 45 or so minutes away which is sweet... probably the most
beautiful structure I've seen so far in my life]. I don't want to end another semester
regretting that I didn't explore... so thankfully maddy and micheal are almost always
down to do so.
After getting back into the loop last night,
I finally went out and took photos last night before
officially going into Plymouth. Most of them look pretty damn
sweet in black and white but i'm keeping them in color mostly just
on personal principle.
I also ended up ninja-ing my way into 2east8th and taking the pac man photos. I'm actually kind of nervous about them. I'm not sure what the school is going to think. They've got all this faith in me to produce a good image... but i don't know, you know. We'll see in the morning.
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Saved: Notes from Facebook no. 2
idk this was a paper that I wrote for my Writing and Rhetoric class the 1st semester I was in columbia. I really dig it although now, if I had to rewrite it it'd probably be pretty different.
Only Temporary
So there I was in the bathroom in the back of the Gap. My blood was no longer just seeping through my hands. It was everywhere.
Just moments earlier the box cutter had slipped from my hand and pierced my forearm; cutting through an artery. Blood had immediately shot out of my arm like some weird Kill Bill scene.
I didn’t want to turn the bathroom handle because I didn’t want more blood than necessary to seep through the wound; so there I stood trapped in the back bathroom of the Gap, unable to do anything more than wait while everyone on the other side ran around panicking and screaming for someone to call the hospital.
As I waited for someone to free me, the thought of “what if I died because of this?” raced through my head. Surprisingly that prospect didn’t seem as scary as it should. When I thought about death at that moment it seemed like a peaceful dark abyss to let myself fall into. At that moment I felt at ease with where my life was and the God that I believed in. Dying would not be such a bad experience.
There have only been two experiences in my life where I had a serious chance of dying if I didn’t hastily get help or absolve the situation quickly. The only other time where I could’ve almost died, consisted of me choking on a thin round piece of plastic on the bus while my friends laughed at me rather than helping me. They didn’t realize I was actually choking until my body did the only natural thing it could do to fight back: throw up.
I suppose it’s nice knowing that I’m not so much afraid of death. I can’t say that I honestly know what death would look or be like. A few of my friends have died before and come back, but even they can’t remember exactly what it was like. Maybe the essence of what death really is isn’t something that you can just bring back with you like a familiar memory that you can conjure at anytime.
Some people have speculated that your dreams are really just another realm where we live. They believe that once you die, you simply just go on living in your dreams. So essentially once you take the “big dirt nap” you’ll go on dreaming forever. Others believe that once you die that’s it. No more continuation of your existence. Still many religions speak of the continuation of the soul into a heavenly realm. Of coarse, like death, no one can actually say exactly what that place would look or be like.
But still, why do we even need death? “A great deal of our efforts goes into avoiding it. We make extraordinary efforts to delay it and often consider its intrusion a tragic event. Yet we’d find it hard to live without it. Death gives meaning to our lives. It gives importance and value to our time. Time would become meaningless if there was too much of it. If death were indefinitely put off the human psyche would become, well like The Gambler in that Twilight Episode.” ( R.K. On Death, Our Lady Peace, Age of Spiritual Machines)
Now I can’t say that I’ve ever seen that episode of the Twilight Zone but I suppose that if death were indefinitely put off, we’d have no reason to ever do anything. I myself am a huge procrastinator and if I literally had all the time in the world, I’d put things off for years that should really be done in days. Plenty of people would.
So much of what we were taught and how our society operates on is simply survival. “Look both ways before you cross the street!” and then you know there’s the whole Social Darwinism, “Only the strong survive.” Several theories in general would be obsolete if no one ever died. Perhaps maybe if no one ever died there’d be a certain kind of peace in the world since we know we’d have to deal with everyone for the rest of eternity (perhaps that’s why heaven’s supposed to be peaceful?). Or maybe wars would just go on forever without any side gaining anything. Maybe it’d be common procedure for women to get themselves “fixed” so that there’d be no way possible for them to have children once the world reaches a certain population number. The issue of humanic (yes, I did just make up that word, and I like it) over crowding would probably be up there with global warming. But then again if death were not an issue, maybe we wouldn’t have even made it past the cave man era. If death were not an issue the human race would not function or look the way we do. After all the only reason why our bodies repair themselves is for survival; for the hope of a longer life. Yes, we’d still be around. But every cut, broken bone, and illness would still be there. We would be the walking dead. And really, even if that wasn’t true, once you get up around a hundred, you’re not doing so well any more. Would you really want to be a few hundreds or thousands of years old? In theory, to continue to exist at that age would be pure torture. Just because you live forever does not promise you eternal youth.
I suppose many people would disagree with me, but then again this all just speculation. I can’t say for sure what could happen, but it seems likely to me that the way things are and the way we live would completely change.
To me, the more I think about it, death is really a gift of sorts. This world is a pretty shitty place and seems to be getting a little worse every day. To be able to escape it and have the chance of possibly going on to something new and better is exciting. Sure the way we die is sometimes pretty horrible, but I think when we reach the point of realizing that we’re dying we accept it and go peacefully.
Just moments earlier the box cutter had slipped from my hand and pierced my forearm; cutting through an artery. Blood had immediately shot out of my arm like some weird Kill Bill scene.
I didn’t want to turn the bathroom handle because I didn’t want more blood than necessary to seep through the wound; so there I stood trapped in the back bathroom of the Gap, unable to do anything more than wait while everyone on the other side ran around panicking and screaming for someone to call the hospital.
As I waited for someone to free me, the thought of “what if I died because of this?” raced through my head. Surprisingly that prospect didn’t seem as scary as it should. When I thought about death at that moment it seemed like a peaceful dark abyss to let myself fall into. At that moment I felt at ease with where my life was and the God that I believed in. Dying would not be such a bad experience.
There have only been two experiences in my life where I had a serious chance of dying if I didn’t hastily get help or absolve the situation quickly. The only other time where I could’ve almost died, consisted of me choking on a thin round piece of plastic on the bus while my friends laughed at me rather than helping me. They didn’t realize I was actually choking until my body did the only natural thing it could do to fight back: throw up.
I suppose it’s nice knowing that I’m not so much afraid of death. I can’t say that I honestly know what death would look or be like. A few of my friends have died before and come back, but even they can’t remember exactly what it was like. Maybe the essence of what death really is isn’t something that you can just bring back with you like a familiar memory that you can conjure at anytime.
Some people have speculated that your dreams are really just another realm where we live. They believe that once you die, you simply just go on living in your dreams. So essentially once you take the “big dirt nap” you’ll go on dreaming forever. Others believe that once you die that’s it. No more continuation of your existence. Still many religions speak of the continuation of the soul into a heavenly realm. Of coarse, like death, no one can actually say exactly what that place would look or be like.
But still, why do we even need death? “A great deal of our efforts goes into avoiding it. We make extraordinary efforts to delay it and often consider its intrusion a tragic event. Yet we’d find it hard to live without it. Death gives meaning to our lives. It gives importance and value to our time. Time would become meaningless if there was too much of it. If death were indefinitely put off the human psyche would become, well like The Gambler in that Twilight Episode.” ( R.K. On Death, Our Lady Peace, Age of Spiritual Machines)
Now I can’t say that I’ve ever seen that episode of the Twilight Zone but I suppose that if death were indefinitely put off, we’d have no reason to ever do anything. I myself am a huge procrastinator and if I literally had all the time in the world, I’d put things off for years that should really be done in days. Plenty of people would.
So much of what we were taught and how our society operates on is simply survival. “Look both ways before you cross the street!” and then you know there’s the whole Social Darwinism, “Only the strong survive.” Several theories in general would be obsolete if no one ever died. Perhaps maybe if no one ever died there’d be a certain kind of peace in the world since we know we’d have to deal with everyone for the rest of eternity (perhaps that’s why heaven’s supposed to be peaceful?). Or maybe wars would just go on forever without any side gaining anything. Maybe it’d be common procedure for women to get themselves “fixed” so that there’d be no way possible for them to have children once the world reaches a certain population number. The issue of humanic (yes, I did just make up that word, and I like it) over crowding would probably be up there with global warming. But then again if death were not an issue, maybe we wouldn’t have even made it past the cave man era. If death were not an issue the human race would not function or look the way we do. After all the only reason why our bodies repair themselves is for survival; for the hope of a longer life. Yes, we’d still be around. But every cut, broken bone, and illness would still be there. We would be the walking dead. And really, even if that wasn’t true, once you get up around a hundred, you’re not doing so well any more. Would you really want to be a few hundreds or thousands of years old? In theory, to continue to exist at that age would be pure torture. Just because you live forever does not promise you eternal youth.
I suppose many people would disagree with me, but then again this all just speculation. I can’t say for sure what could happen, but it seems likely to me that the way things are and the way we live would completely change.
To me, the more I think about it, death is really a gift of sorts. This world is a pretty shitty place and seems to be getting a little worse every day. To be able to escape it and have the chance of possibly going on to something new and better is exciting. Sure the way we die is sometimes pretty horrible, but I think when we reach the point of realizing that we’re dying we accept it and go peacefully.
The Saved: Notes from Facebook no. 1
Since i've been tagged to do this by at least 4 other people, I suppose i should.
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you it's because I want to know more about you.
1) I always feel a little bit weird when people tell me that I'm talented and take really good photos. On one had I know that I'm a damn good photographer. On the other I know I've got a lot to learn. I know that if I say "I know" or acknowledge that I know that I'm good, I'll come off as offensive and an ass. So I generally just sit/stand there awkward and say "thanks". Sometimes I just wish I could say "yeah, I know" and not come off as a dick or cocky.
2) In general, I think I'm over rated. Because of the persona that everyone has seemed to give me [i.e. that i'm nicer, more talented, more reliable, ect..] I generally feel i have to live up to it and when I don't I feel like I've let everyone down and that i"m a jerk. On the whole, I feel like I'm very misunderstood.
3) I have a serious case of wonder-lust. I lived in texas 18 years of my life and for 5 years of that dreamed of what it would be to live other places. I've lived in chicago for nearly 2 years now and think it's time for a change; even if it's just temporary. And as we're on the subject, my big dream in life is to make money doing something that makes me happy and being able to live in as many places and countries as I'd like.
4) Relationships generally never work out for me. The reasons I've been told are a) I'm too chill and become every guy's best friend, b) I'm too innocent [they don't wanna corrupt me], c) they got too serious and got too scared, d) i treat equally, e) I never have the balls go up and tell someone that i'm attracted to/am interested in them, f) who the hell knows.
5) When I really think about it, I sometimes wish that I was as close to God as I used to be. When I could feel him daily and thought I wanted to be a youth pastor. I still believe in God and feel like he's watched out for me more times than I can think of. But I feel hesitant about saying I'm a Christian. I feel like all He wants us to do is Love everyone. That's what I strive to do. I just don't see how a lot of christians could be so closed minded when they believe in such fantastic things. Also, I feel like He's got big plans for my life. Things that will impact the world. I'm cool with that. :]
6) There are two kinds of anger, but only one kind of anger is good. It's been said that if something makes you angery and causes you to stop and say/think "man, someone really ought to do something about that!" or "someone ought to change that!" 9 times out of ten you're that person. Last year I took a cultural studies class and I really liked it because it made me angry... the good kind of angry. I wanted to stand up, shout, and storm out of that classroom and change the world each time. I still find many things that make me want to do that. I can't always put my finger on them. When I sometimes feel as if I can, I feel as if I lack the connections to. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not a leader, but I'd be good as someone backing the leader making sure things ran smoothly or whatever. Helping in whatever way I could. I'm ready to fight, I just wish I knew what my purpose was or had the connections to do something.
7) I'm not in anyway good with words.
8) I was adopted at 5 months of age and have never really considered the two people that conceived me to be my parents. I always felt that your real parents are the people/person that actually took the time, the stress, the money, and the joy to raise you... no matter how hard it might've been. Although no one in my [immediate] family are really the same race [both my parents are white & my brother is tongan, I'm native american], I generally never give it much thought. We are a family and they're some of the best people that I know and love. I could've ended up anywhere but I was lucky enough to end up with them. It boggles my mind every-time I think about it. Years later, we fought for my adoption papers. I found out that my birth mother lives in a small town in OK and doesn't want to have contact with me [not that i ever wanted to contact her]. Even more recently while trying to research my family tree, I found out that apparently my birth father might be dead. Another random fact is that apparently I have a half sister [or bother] floating around other there somewhere.
9) I think growing up I was always a little behind everyone. I sucked my thumb until I was 6 or 7 years old and didn't learn how to ride a bike with out training wheels until I was 13. I got the gift of dyslexia from my birth mother and as a result spent many nights in the dinning room with my mom balling my eyes out as she struggled to help me learn how to read and spell. After many years of going to tutoring and with the help of my mom, I slowly but surely learned to read and spell. To this day, I still sometimes process numbers backwards [i.e. something will say 52 and I'll think it said 25] and words come out of my mouth a little backwards (one day I was talking to some friends and ment to say "problem solved". What came out was "solvemed probed." I never lived that down lol).
10) I can in no way watch horror flicks. I absolutely hate to see human suffering. So for me, to watch horror movies is like sitting trough an hour and a half of pure torture.
11) The concept of rebellion fascinates me. This would be the reason why [books such as] Anthem, 1984, Voices of the Chicago 8, and the Uglies Series, [and movies such as] V for Vendetta, The Lives of Others, Children of Men, Motorcycle Diaries, 28 Days Later, The Battle of Algiers, and even Aeonflux grab my imagination and in most cases become my favorite stories.
12) In general, accents, dialects, languages, and cultures fascinate me. A short term goal that i've been working on is teaching myself Spanish. I'm not really sure how well I'm doing since it seems since i haven't studied in awhile I'm forgetting alot of what i've learned. I'm hoping to get better though.
13) It is a very good chance that come next academic year, I won't be studying at columbia, but will be instead studying aboard in Buenos Aries, Argentina.
14) Because of things that've happened with my family while growing up, I've come to believe that I have to be the strong one of the group. As such, I hate/dont allow myself to cry in front of others. My personal reasons/philosophy behind it being that, If I cry and others see it, everything/everyone will fall apart. So, I try my damnedest not to cry in front of others even if it's just something like just watching a movie. The sweet irony is that the cold makes my eyes water up. It's one of my least favorite things about the cold.
15) I've only a small core group of friends. I know alot of people, but many are just acquaintances. I often feel that I would like to get to know my acquaintances better though and hang out with them. I think alot of people think that I go out of my way to meet people... but this generally isn't the case.
16) I party with people that I know and take photos at parties because other wise I'd be the awkward asshole in the corner that doesn't really talk to anyone or just kind of trails behind their friends because they don't know what to do with themselves or anyone.
17) I was straight edge for 19 year of my life. During high school I never went to any parties because I'd much rather go to shows. Everyone I knew and hung out with went to shows and I also felt that the connections/relationships that you obtained at parties where very shallow and a little bit ascewed. Now that i'm in my 2nd year of college, I party nearly every weekend and to an extent I still feel the same way about it all.
18) I'm an idealist but I feel like every day I grow a little bit more pessimistic.
19) I have a hard time saying no to people.
20) I don't believe that I'm completive in any traditional way; but dear God, tell me that I can't do something that i'm interested in, and I will passionately set forth to prove you wrong. Even if it takes years. [i.e. in 9th grade summer school, Corey Boyd told me that my photos sucked and that I should quit. In my mind I gave the "eff you" and continued on. A year or so later I became the Sr. Photographer for Adorevintage.com doing the editorial photo shoots, and had a 6 page photo editorial in N.E.E.T. magazine. In my sr. year of high school, I became his inspiration for going into photography. Now i'm going to school for film. Although the whole time I've been here I've been a film major, everyone thinks that Im a photo major and when I announced last semester that i'd be a photo major, everyone said "bout time"/"finally!"]
21) The fact that I've been the big inspiration for people to pick up the camera and go into photography and/or influenced their style of photography is crazy to me. Apparently also i've been the inspiration for a person or two to get a tattoo on their wrist.
22) I'm the biggest procrastinator I know. I've class tomorrow and 4 chapters of the text book were supposed to be read. It's 2am and i'm about to go to sleep. I've read maybe 3 pages. I'll read it tomorrow before class. Also I have two rolls of film due as well. I'm waking up at 5:30am to go shoot. This is getting a bit ridiculous.
23) Growing up my dream wasn't to become an artist. At that point I wasn't even aware I had talent in that area. I'd been able to sing since I'd been able to form sounds. My grandmother called me her little song bird. On sundays while my parents made lunch after church, I'd sit at the piano hitting random keys and singing whatever words popped into my head. I grew up dreaming to become famous for my singing. My brother, on the other hand, was able to draw stick figures as soon as he was able to hold a writing utensil in his hand. By the time he was 6 he was able to draw pretty detailed drawings. I was always impressed. It was only in our adolescence that our talents switched. I became good at art & photography and he became good at rapping, writing songs, and recording, mixing and producing music.
24) On the subject of race: I'm native american, black [8%] and white. How much native american blood is in me is still up to debate as I have somewhere between 25% and 50%. I have german, english, dutch, french and a crap ton of other european blood in me. Recently, I've been trying to find out more about my heritage as a native american as it's always been the side i've identified with/coincided myself as/had the most influence on me.
25) On the subject of family: on my mother's side; her family came over on the mayflower and settled in upstate new york. Her family also spread methodism throughout the north east. As such, many of her ancestors are actually in the stain glass windows of some of the churches in the northeast. Her grandfather was a doctor and served as a doctor during WWI and continued as a country doctor during the Great Depression. Many times during the depression he was paid in food and furniture. Her parents [and my grandparents] apparently used to drink with Jack Ruby [aka the guy that killed Lee Harvey Oswald who was the man who killed JFK. 24 years later, I was born into the same hospital that JFK was pronounced dead & had his autopsy at. My grandfather was a 33 degree free mason/Scottish wright. On my mother's side, I'm currently related to both George W. Bush and Faith Hill. On my dad's side: they came over from Wales at some unknown date and moved to michigan. At some point or another someone on his side of the family was a pirate. His family moved from Michigan to NYC around the same time the Statue of Liberty was being erected there. My dad's grandfather was in the KKK along with being a Magician and a free mason. His grandfather tried to get my grandfather [his son] in to the KKK and grampa reed said "screw that" and i'm told he burned the costume/uniform. My grandfather [my dad's dad] was a fighter pilot during WWII. Although my parents were our age in the 60's and 70's and lived in upstate new york, neither went to wood-stock and were not hippies. It's crazy. I would've been... or at the very least an artist and/or beatnik.
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you it's because I want to know more about you.
1) I always feel a little bit weird when people tell me that I'm talented and take really good photos. On one had I know that I'm a damn good photographer. On the other I know I've got a lot to learn. I know that if I say "I know" or acknowledge that I know that I'm good, I'll come off as offensive and an ass. So I generally just sit/stand there awkward and say "thanks". Sometimes I just wish I could say "yeah, I know" and not come off as a dick or cocky.
2) In general, I think I'm over rated. Because of the persona that everyone has seemed to give me [i.e. that i'm nicer, more talented, more reliable, ect..] I generally feel i have to live up to it and when I don't I feel like I've let everyone down and that i"m a jerk. On the whole, I feel like I'm very misunderstood.
3) I have a serious case of wonder-lust. I lived in texas 18 years of my life and for 5 years of that dreamed of what it would be to live other places. I've lived in chicago for nearly 2 years now and think it's time for a change; even if it's just temporary. And as we're on the subject, my big dream in life is to make money doing something that makes me happy and being able to live in as many places and countries as I'd like.
4) Relationships generally never work out for me. The reasons I've been told are a) I'm too chill and become every guy's best friend, b) I'm too innocent [they don't wanna corrupt me], c) they got too serious and got too scared, d) i treat equally, e) I never have the balls go up and tell someone that i'm attracted to/am interested in them, f) who the hell knows.
5) When I really think about it, I sometimes wish that I was as close to God as I used to be. When I could feel him daily and thought I wanted to be a youth pastor. I still believe in God and feel like he's watched out for me more times than I can think of. But I feel hesitant about saying I'm a Christian. I feel like all He wants us to do is Love everyone. That's what I strive to do. I just don't see how a lot of christians could be so closed minded when they believe in such fantastic things. Also, I feel like He's got big plans for my life. Things that will impact the world. I'm cool with that. :]
6) There are two kinds of anger, but only one kind of anger is good. It's been said that if something makes you angery and causes you to stop and say/think "man, someone really ought to do something about that!" or "someone ought to change that!" 9 times out of ten you're that person. Last year I took a cultural studies class and I really liked it because it made me angry... the good kind of angry. I wanted to stand up, shout, and storm out of that classroom and change the world each time. I still find many things that make me want to do that. I can't always put my finger on them. When I sometimes feel as if I can, I feel as if I lack the connections to. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not a leader, but I'd be good as someone backing the leader making sure things ran smoothly or whatever. Helping in whatever way I could. I'm ready to fight, I just wish I knew what my purpose was or had the connections to do something.
7) I'm not in anyway good with words.
8) I was adopted at 5 months of age and have never really considered the two people that conceived me to be my parents. I always felt that your real parents are the people/person that actually took the time, the stress, the money, and the joy to raise you... no matter how hard it might've been. Although no one in my [immediate] family are really the same race [both my parents are white & my brother is tongan, I'm native american], I generally never give it much thought. We are a family and they're some of the best people that I know and love. I could've ended up anywhere but I was lucky enough to end up with them. It boggles my mind every-time I think about it. Years later, we fought for my adoption papers. I found out that my birth mother lives in a small town in OK and doesn't want to have contact with me [not that i ever wanted to contact her]. Even more recently while trying to research my family tree, I found out that apparently my birth father might be dead. Another random fact is that apparently I have a half sister [or bother] floating around other there somewhere.
9) I think growing up I was always a little behind everyone. I sucked my thumb until I was 6 or 7 years old and didn't learn how to ride a bike with out training wheels until I was 13. I got the gift of dyslexia from my birth mother and as a result spent many nights in the dinning room with my mom balling my eyes out as she struggled to help me learn how to read and spell. After many years of going to tutoring and with the help of my mom, I slowly but surely learned to read and spell. To this day, I still sometimes process numbers backwards [i.e. something will say 52 and I'll think it said 25] and words come out of my mouth a little backwards (one day I was talking to some friends and ment to say "problem solved". What came out was "solvemed probed." I never lived that down lol).
10) I can in no way watch horror flicks. I absolutely hate to see human suffering. So for me, to watch horror movies is like sitting trough an hour and a half of pure torture.
11) The concept of rebellion fascinates me. This would be the reason why [books such as] Anthem, 1984, Voices of the Chicago 8, and the Uglies Series, [and movies such as] V for Vendetta, The Lives of Others, Children of Men, Motorcycle Diaries, 28 Days Later, The Battle of Algiers, and even Aeonflux grab my imagination and in most cases become my favorite stories.
12) In general, accents, dialects, languages, and cultures fascinate me. A short term goal that i've been working on is teaching myself Spanish. I'm not really sure how well I'm doing since it seems since i haven't studied in awhile I'm forgetting alot of what i've learned. I'm hoping to get better though.
13) It is a very good chance that come next academic year, I won't be studying at columbia, but will be instead studying aboard in Buenos Aries, Argentina.
14) Because of things that've happened with my family while growing up, I've come to believe that I have to be the strong one of the group. As such, I hate/dont allow myself to cry in front of others. My personal reasons/philosophy behind it being that, If I cry and others see it, everything/everyone will fall apart. So, I try my damnedest not to cry in front of others even if it's just something like just watching a movie. The sweet irony is that the cold makes my eyes water up. It's one of my least favorite things about the cold.
15) I've only a small core group of friends. I know alot of people, but many are just acquaintances. I often feel that I would like to get to know my acquaintances better though and hang out with them. I think alot of people think that I go out of my way to meet people... but this generally isn't the case.
16) I party with people that I know and take photos at parties because other wise I'd be the awkward asshole in the corner that doesn't really talk to anyone or just kind of trails behind their friends because they don't know what to do with themselves or anyone.
17) I was straight edge for 19 year of my life. During high school I never went to any parties because I'd much rather go to shows. Everyone I knew and hung out with went to shows and I also felt that the connections/relationships that you obtained at parties where very shallow and a little bit ascewed. Now that i'm in my 2nd year of college, I party nearly every weekend and to an extent I still feel the same way about it all.
18) I'm an idealist but I feel like every day I grow a little bit more pessimistic.
19) I have a hard time saying no to people.
20) I don't believe that I'm completive in any traditional way; but dear God, tell me that I can't do something that i'm interested in, and I will passionately set forth to prove you wrong. Even if it takes years. [i.e. in 9th grade summer school, Corey Boyd told me that my photos sucked and that I should quit. In my mind I gave the "eff you" and continued on. A year or so later I became the Sr. Photographer for Adorevintage.com doing the editorial photo shoots, and had a 6 page photo editorial in N.E.E.T. magazine. In my sr. year of high school, I became his inspiration for going into photography. Now i'm going to school for film. Although the whole time I've been here I've been a film major, everyone thinks that Im a photo major and when I announced last semester that i'd be a photo major, everyone said "bout time"/"finally!"]
21) The fact that I've been the big inspiration for people to pick up the camera and go into photography and/or influenced their style of photography is crazy to me. Apparently also i've been the inspiration for a person or two to get a tattoo on their wrist.
22) I'm the biggest procrastinator I know. I've class tomorrow and 4 chapters of the text book were supposed to be read. It's 2am and i'm about to go to sleep. I've read maybe 3 pages. I'll read it tomorrow before class. Also I have two rolls of film due as well. I'm waking up at 5:30am to go shoot. This is getting a bit ridiculous.
23) Growing up my dream wasn't to become an artist. At that point I wasn't even aware I had talent in that area. I'd been able to sing since I'd been able to form sounds. My grandmother called me her little song bird. On sundays while my parents made lunch after church, I'd sit at the piano hitting random keys and singing whatever words popped into my head. I grew up dreaming to become famous for my singing. My brother, on the other hand, was able to draw stick figures as soon as he was able to hold a writing utensil in his hand. By the time he was 6 he was able to draw pretty detailed drawings. I was always impressed. It was only in our adolescence that our talents switched. I became good at art & photography and he became good at rapping, writing songs, and recording, mixing and producing music.
24) On the subject of race: I'm native american, black [8%] and white. How much native american blood is in me is still up to debate as I have somewhere between 25% and 50%. I have german, english, dutch, french and a crap ton of other european blood in me. Recently, I've been trying to find out more about my heritage as a native american as it's always been the side i've identified with/coincided myself as/had the most influence on me.
25) On the subject of family: on my mother's side; her family came over on the mayflower and settled in upstate new york. Her family also spread methodism throughout the north east. As such, many of her ancestors are actually in the stain glass windows of some of the churches in the northeast. Her grandfather was a doctor and served as a doctor during WWI and continued as a country doctor during the Great Depression. Many times during the depression he was paid in food and furniture. Her parents [and my grandparents] apparently used to drink with Jack Ruby [aka the guy that killed Lee Harvey Oswald who was the man who killed JFK. 24 years later, I was born into the same hospital that JFK was pronounced dead & had his autopsy at. My grandfather was a 33 degree free mason/Scottish wright. On my mother's side, I'm currently related to both George W. Bush and Faith Hill. On my dad's side: they came over from Wales at some unknown date and moved to michigan. At some point or another someone on his side of the family was a pirate. His family moved from Michigan to NYC around the same time the Statue of Liberty was being erected there. My dad's grandfather was in the KKK along with being a Magician and a free mason. His grandfather tried to get my grandfather [his son] in to the KKK and grampa reed said "screw that" and i'm told he burned the costume/uniform. My grandfather [my dad's dad] was a fighter pilot during WWII. Although my parents were our age in the 60's and 70's and lived in upstate new york, neither went to wood-stock and were not hippies. It's crazy. I would've been... or at the very least an artist and/or beatnik.
Reprioritizing: The Art of "Transcending the Bullshit"
Michael's been saying it for awhile and at this moment I feel like giving it some real thought.
He says since it's been gone he's been much more productive, done things he wouldn't have done otherwise. I hear his points and I'm resistant. "You're cutting yourself off from the world." I say. "How would you keep up with people?" I think to myself. But it seems that people were able to keep up with each other and survive with out things like facebook, myspace, and even the internet in the past. Maybe we rely on them too much. Maybe I rely on them too much.
When I think about it; what do I do on there? Generally I log on see if I have any notifications or mail and then not really do a damn thing on there. I tell my self I use it to keep in touch with people... which is true to an extent but it's not like I've ever been really awesome at commenting people or even commenting people back. When I think about it, when I come to the root of it, I keep it to keep up with a party culture that (when I also really think and get to the root of that) I don't respect either. Point being: I actually never do anything on facebook and I use it to keep up with a culture that i don't really care to much about.
On the topic, after reading my livejournal last semester, my best friend Trib worried that maybe it wasn't such a good idea that I had come to chicago after all. She was worried about me because she had found out that I had started drinking. I calmed her worries but idk, thinking about things now, I think maybe I really have lost myself a little while being here. All my life up until recently I had been all about (personally) not drinking, smoking, doing drugs, having sex or going to parties. Well in the past year I've broken at least 3ish of those. I now drink, party, smoke (hooka), and have had sex. Recently I've thought about possibly smoking pot just to try it. What the fuck?! I'm really loosing control of the morals that i've had for myself my whole life.
"Everything in moderation."
I need some more/different moderation in my life. I need to no longer say that I'll just see most of my friends at parties but actually go out of my way during the week and see them. Most of them I've never even seen where it is that they live [outside of the loop]. The Loop is kinda like a bobble; and it's one that I need to burst.
In high school I, having the view that I did on parties, I would rather go to shows than parties... and that's what me and my friends did. Shows and random adventures/hanging out. I miss those times. I can't remember what it was exactly that we did besides shows but there was always something and we always had fun. I miss that:
I think maybe what this is all about is that I think I just need to find the person that I used to be. The essence is still there. I am who I've always been. But god
idk. OR maybe this is just finding a new way to be while still being me. I'm not sure. it's a bit of both.
Things to do within the next week:
-delete facebook
-delete deviantart
-write letters to the people on my list to write from sendsomething.net
-finnish Voices of the Chicago 8: A Generation on Trial
-shoot and print 8 rolls
-shoot & turn in photos from 2east8th
-work on sam's film
-figure out a budget
-edit all photos shot over the last week
-clean the apt & get cat to put away her clothes
-call bryan and mom and dad and trib
-shoot for myself.
-finnish editing video
-start recording more video.
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