Stepping off the plane
my father thought I belonged to Greenwich VIllage.

Writing on 82.

lately i've come to the
conclusion that all I want in my
Life is to make a difference. I don't care
if my art work gets into galleries or are these
iconic images... because who the fuck really cares?

this is all so much
more than me. So let the pretentious
right and left wing rich folks have their art.
Let them wear it like a robe around their beings
to feel self important and worldly. Let them have their
Things. I will accept that I will be poor. But let me have
my life... a real life were I feel alive. Take chances and travel;
be brave, put others before myself and my ego.
Letting things be, while challenging others.

Art is not everything,
and some of us need more.
More than this photo, more than this
camera, more than the paint or the useless
round about talks about the importance of it all...
when it all really doesn't matter.

I've always thought that
hardcore and metal were powerful
forms of music... but they were always so
much less than what they could be. I would
stand in the back of those dark venues as the red, yellow
and blue lights flashed on stage. As the kids would crowd around,
kicking, jumping, yelling, dancing. As the band thrashed, the screamer
screamed and the drummer beat out the last remaining strength from his body
into those drums. I'd stand back there and feel it all... the bass going through me,
and I would think, "this is all such a waste. It was so much less.. If only they talked about
something that mattered." Maybe not politics, the government, or our continual loss of rights..
but just something. Talk about suicide if that was what they were passionate about..
but for God's sake (yeah, I said it) say something that Matters. Don't just write music and lyrics
for the trend.

For God's sake, don't just
create art for the trend. Talk about something
bigger than yourself, or your remedial idea(ls).

But whatever, this is just me
spewing out my frustrations at myself.
I am much more than a photographer, much more
than an art student, or a kid from texas... america.












.

I've been thinking of making these little videos
why? well, not to be artsy. Maybe to escape photography
the still image. To find a combination in both. of moving and still.
A still image with moving edges because the camera man can't keep a completely
steady hand. Because like all humans they have to breath. The still image within the view
finder while being held. The image before it's been processed within the machine.

scenes from my life. will it have importance,
will it matter. No. But what does any of the work we
produce mean in the greater scale of things in the end anyway.
Is it "work" if you've enjoyed it. Is it play? "hey check out the "play" i've done"

I always get nervous going home
I never know who is still my friends
and who arent... weather because of passage of time
or weather it's because apparently I've become too liberal.


I always know that trib will be..
but I always get a bit nervous when
walking into the mosaic... I never know
what influence John has had on colin
since John now hates me.


I love colin, and don't wanna loose him.
all the same, I'll find out come next thursday or sunday.
Funny that I know jimmy'll always be cool with me.

saying the same things over
cuz I just can't care anymore.

Black Bear

coming to terms that I am
indeed not a photographer.
I can not acutely portray any meaning
or anything that I have to say.
Nor do I understand what it means to be
a photographer. I do not create using light.
I simply take from things and instances in front of
me. I do not create with light.

I do not have the goal
to make/take an image that will
profoundly affect the art world as I know it.
I never really intended to, and lost sight of that.
I can not create for others. I can not do things for others.

I rarely try to things only
for myself. I try to put others before myself
when at all possible. I think it's time to be selfish
again. To say fuck everyone else.


At the same time,
I feel like if I didn't have to
pick up a camera to fulfill assignments
I wouldn't. I need to take a break.

I've gone back to my first love: singing.
And another: playing guitar.
I've gone back to what has always been natural for me.

I've written two songs thus far
and recorded them.
nothing terrific... i wouldn't expect them to be.
But i'm still pretty excited at the start i've made.


http://www.myspace.com/blackbearchicago