I never claimed to be anything.

Not perfect, not a saint, not better or purer 

than everyone else. I didn't claim to be genuine.

You guys all did.

and look where that got you:

disappointment.  

Because I'm a fuck up.

I"m not perfect by any means.

I care about you guys

and I don't put on a face or a

mask.

But just remember 

that I'm a fuck up just like you;

I'm not a saint.

Wonder Calmer.

<sup>He who is not him.
He who is figment of
the imagination.

Do not test it.
Do not make me curious.
Don't test the ideals, the stream,
the councous, the boundries, the reality.

To appear before me
would leave me undone.

An unravelled ball of string.
Silent. Confused. Open.</sup>

Via de Crush.

I'm not your one.

the mysterious kid you keep in the corner.

I'm not filled with shadows. I would not know romance

if it were to slap me across the face. 

I'm [just] naive and more than

slightly selfish. After all, who would leave

you in such a manner.

I'm not your one.

filled to the brim. Life's a crush.

Slow. Fast. Opec. 

so i think i'm 

getting a little sick and

tired of this whole recession business.

It makes everything that could've been 'ok'

to kinda bad... just so much worse.

i hate that it makes 

everything a little worse

for everyone.

is it terribly 

selfish for me to say

that I'm incredibly tired of looking

at people's flickrs and facebooks and live journals

and seeing photo after photo of them abroad in all these different places?

I envy and despise them all at the same time.

none of this is at all their fault;

but rather mine for not having the time,

sufficient funds,  or guts to go out and act on a dream

that i've had for nearly all my life. 

I tell my self, "no worries, you'll live abroad

after college, that's when you'll get to do it all."

I don't know if I can stand to do that though.

every fiber in my being is telling me to leave, to explore...

that this is the time. It's my chance. The forked road is just ahead

and a decision must be made. Ahead, the road continues it's coarse,

it goes straight. Along this path I stay at Columbia and in the states.

Things go as planned. At the fork, another road curves to the right.

Along it, I take the leap, I leave the country and I study abroad. I experience

things I'd never dream of (like speaking in a language on a daily basis that I wasn't

taught from the cradle). I take the journey that fulfills  a life dream & goal. I take

life by the horns and I live a little. It is a step in the direction of becoming the person

I'm to grow to be. Along this path, I also let people down and sacrifice more than I ever

thought I would.

If I do not take the leap now,

I don't know if there'll be a time for

me to ever do it again. There are points in

life where you must choose to do things for yourself

and not let opportunities pass you by. Sometimes it's 

not merely an option of just saying 'yes'; sometimes you've

got to fight for it after saying yes to that opportunity. 

I think that if all goes well

and I get the thumbs up to do it,

i'm going to have to choose this path

no matter that it'll let down some of my friends

and my brother.

Beunos Aries, Argentina

I'm not quite sure when the decision hit me to learn spanish. I can't say I was entirely interested in it growing up. I had briefly learned it at a very young age [perhaps when i was between 6-9 years old] while attending a day care since it was mandatory. I had enjoyed it well enough while learning it. My favorite word while learning it, if I recall correctly,  was desk: escritorio. But even still, after I stopped having lessons in it when i attended public school, I didn't really care about it enough to pursue learning the language further; and as a result I forgot pretty much all knowledge of what i had obtained. 

 In high school I rejected the thought of learning it yet again; my reason this time was that I thought that learning french would be far more interesting. Others argued learning french wasn't as valuable as learning spanish. "When are you going to use french? No one in America uses it anyway. Take spanish." After 3 years of struggling through french, I regretted not taking spanish only because I could've cheated more easily. 

 It strikes me as a little bit odd now that I'm in college that I want to learn spanish so badly. Earlier last semester I took the last remaining $30 that I had in my account and purchased Living Language Spanish training/learning guide. The basics of coarse. Although I wasn't able to get around to administering time to learn the language during last semester; but over the coarse of the winter break, it's pretty much all that i've been learning... besides you know... the usual about the 1968 Demonstrations of the Democratic National Convention in Chicago and now about Branding and such things. 

 It's funny how things work though. I think much of my resistance to learning the spanish language was mainly because I never thought I'd really need it. I love to travel and through most of my life the plan was to live abroad. That plan was mainly just for Europe though; and although Spain is in europe, I never really thought. At most I assumed I would go there for a visit or two. For the most part though, all of my travel focus was on Europe.

 It wasn't until I saw the film Motorcycle Diaries that I even began to think about traveling to Central and South America. Suddenly the prospect of seeing Chile, Brazil, and Argentina seems alluring. 

 Even still, while looking at places to study abroad my focus was in Europe. I said to myself,"I've got to go some place they speak english. It's one thing to live there; but when you're studying in a foreign country and your grades depend on you understanding the language to get through another courses, that's another." Somewhere along the line, my thought process and focus changed. I began looking at Spain to study. Barcelona and Madrid where the main cities in which I wished to study, as I don't believe I could personally survive in a small town. Later my focus changed to Madrid as it was said to be the more artistic town. I had become animate to live in a country in which spanish was spoken. Because of this, I was given a real drive and reason to learn as much spanish as I could.

 One day while home Dallas over break, as custom, I sat in the living room with my mother watching HGTV as she drifted in and out of conciseness. Program after program played on the tv as I sat there with her All of programs that i could care less about, but still I didn't change it. Suddenly one that sparked my interest House Hunters International. "International?! I've never seen this one." And so I watched on. On the first one, a retired gay couple from the states were looking to buy a new apartment in Spain finding that after living in the first one they'd owned wasn't up to what they were hoping for they were searching for a new one. Over the coarse of the program, along with apartments, promising images of warm aired climates and beautiful beaches paired with wandering cobbled stone streets and alleyways played across the screen. It looked wonderful to say the least. 

 After that episode aired, another came on. This time another couple from the states were looking to purchase another home. Apparently they'd fallen in love with a city in Argentina named Beunos Aries. I'd never heard of it before. They called it "the paris of latin america".  It too looked fantastic and exciting though.

 A week or two after viewing that episode, on a whim I began looking at programs in Beunos Aries, Argentina. People that know me well know that when i set my mind to something, i'm pretty dauntless. I dive in head first. So needless to say, at this moment, I'm pretty bent on studying there. I told my mom about it... and although i know she's supportive, she's also [i guess] nice enough to let me know not to get my hopes too high... because after depending on what happens, this could NOT happen.

 Everything rides on what columbia says. Meaning that I have to talk to both my advisor and also to the international studies department [aka the studying abroad department] and see if Columbia would accept the credits that I'd earn while studying abroad. I also need to find out weather or not if I go weather I'd still be on track for graduation. My parents will only pay for 4 years of college so I have to try to make it as close to four years as possible. 

 If I do go to Beunos Aries, I'm going to have to sacrifice alot. If I go, I won't be able to stay in chicago this summer and if I go year round that means that I won't have the chance to see my nephew or my family as much. If I go this also means that I will be letting Cat down... she has all these plans to live with me next year and all this stuff. But I've been planing to live/study abroad since before I ever met her [in person]. It's a bout a 4 and a half year plan at this point... just needs to be fulfilled. Not to mention that if I go, I might just want to not even bother changing my major to photography as the college that I'd probably be going to (if I go with the program that i've been looking at) only has film as far as i'm aware. Maybe i should just wait till I get the catalogue from the program.

But yeah, long story short... much sacrifice will happen. I will let down cat, but at some point I need to do the things I promised my self I would do, and do something about this tugging at my heart. But idk this is something i've gotta do. Plus, these things only happen one in a life time. I've gotta do it. I've got to fight to do it. 

In Search of Purpose.

I'm starting to believe that I'm no longer supposed to be here.

In the United States I mean. I think it's time for me to move on and get out

of the country for awhile. To experience something new. New thoughts. New ideas.

New ways of doing things.

  I've been known to say that anything you learn are tools [for your life's tool box]

that is/are supposed to help you become who you're supposed to be and do later on in 

life. To help you become the person you're "meant" to be. Well I've learned a lot here in texas,

and I learned even more in Chicago, and i think it's time that to move on to my next lesson

abroad. 

 I've got this feeling that perhaps I'm destined for big things. I'm supposed to do something

to help people... to help the world perhaps. What I've learned with history and photography and film and everything, will help me in that. I don't know if I'm supposed to be a leader. I've never been a person to stand at the forefront of anything.. but the person that helps the person in the forefront get to where they need to be. I'm the one that helps them in any way possible. 

  I think right now, I'm just looking for a cause or a purpose to donate my life to. To a cause larger than myself. A cause that I can get dirty with. A cause that i can be in the thick of it... using my skills with photography and film.

 I know that these sort of things that really matter, the ones that are worth giving your life to, are never as fun and/or exciting as they're later romanticized to be. Being a lover of history I don't always remember it or sometimes even realize it. Things in my life, if I do find a cause,  will get ugly. I've grown into this stage in my life to have the confidence to speak up and perhaps not yell [yet] but at least talk about what I believe. What I think is wrong with the world. What I think needs to be changed and what I believe can be changed. Already this has lead to me loosing a friendship or two. The bitter part of me says "screw them, if they can not stand with me... then I need no part of them". At the same time I need to learn to remember to be compassionate. 

 There was a time when I believed that I was meant to be a youth pastor... but later I made my decision to be an artist and go to university to learn to become a photographer or a filmmaker. I couldn't possibly see how by doing so I could help others beyond you know, the occasional wedding photo or two. Even still, before leaving for chicago I prayed that God would show me a way to use these skills or talents to help people. I should've listened to people at church when they told me that God had blessed me with my talent for photography and that I would use it to help out others or for great things. At the time I merely bushed it off. In my mind I was taking my life into my own hands thinking "Whatever, what will be will be. If I don't use it to help people then it's meant to be, and if I do it is. What do they know?" God does answer prays; I think sometimes we just don't listen when the answer comes. Because it isn't immediate  like the answers that we get in conversations when we talk to people. Maybe for this reason we should always keep our eyes and ears open. That and maybe try to always keep in mind what we've asked... even if after a time, we think it was half hearted. Sometimes those things you ask half heartily are the things you want most.

 I've yet to do much of anything to help people with my photography and films. Just a mission trip or two. But even still, as day grows into the next day, this inner feeling I have that I've got to do something, that I need to be out there helping others... that maybe I'm not supposed to be here grows ever stronger and comes closer and closer to the forefront of my mind... remains in my thoughts more. Mission trips to africa and south america... to war torn countries sound ever more appealing. So what that I might get killed? It doesn't matter. I'm not afraid. Daily I see photos of europe and asia and long to be there. I ketch myself looking up prices for airfare to see how much it would cost to travel. More frequently I'm looking up studying abroad programs to see how much the tuition would be. 

 I'm not really sure how long I can take being here.

At the same time something ties me here.

 I'm not so sure that it's the money that does. I've grown to be really intrigued in the political system of our country and what's going on. And not just what's going on, but what's going behind the walls, doors, and screens that are put up for us citizens to see. I see how the government mistreats us. I've not seen a lot. Not heard a lot. But I've heard enough for it to truly bother me. For me to feel that anger that makes me want to change it... to do something about it. I see the homelessness and I see the pain daily walking the streets of chicago... and that too bothers me. Anti-Immigration. Racism. Poverty. Homophobia. The Unjust treatment of citizens by the Government. Greed. Corruption of Power. all these things and more bother me. These are all things I wish I could change in our/my country. I simply just don't know where to start. 

 I'm no good with words and I can't get my thoughts straight enough in general to defend what I believe. I would be no good for a person in the forefront. I'm a background person plain and simple. I'm not sure if I could start a revolution on my own. Or how I'd even go about that. I feel like all I can hope for is to stumble across a group of like minded individuals. And so I've been scoring the internet for traces of a group, any group/organization that would be on the same wave length. So far... no such organization or group has been found. Thus far in my search all I've seen is that the attention to issues' has been  placed abroad. But I still feel like there are changes domestically that need to happen.

 But i don't know. Maybe I'm like the Che in the sense that perhaps I need to go on a journey outside of my own world/country to open my eyes and mind and to be in a place in which i can do something. Before I can do something. Perhaps that is the reason why i feel this tug on my heart to leave america.

who knows.

I feel like i'm on the right path. I've got my want... my goal. 

If I were writing for a character for a film I would say that i've got my overall goal. I just wish 

i knew the smaller ones that would lead me to achieving the larger one. The encompassing one.