Orange and Green.

Even as I traveled there,
I wondered how I was going to get home and in what state.
The vodka mixer I drank was not sitting well in my stomic and
exhaustion was already beginning to over take my body.

Long walks across the dark streets of chicago.
Streets lined with orange hued lights. I always some how felt
more comfortable walking while holding a leaf in my hand.
I make my way to his place. There's a party there.
One which I'm not at all sure how I'll (re)act.
Awkward asshole; I call myself.

My head spins a bit. I travel on.
I cross the street and think of how my father
said I make him nervous when I cross streets here.
I never worry. The 16th block comes up.
Already I see young people pouring from the building;
CPD has broken up the party. It's the que that my night is over.
I've not the energy to stick around.

Quiet; I begin to walk back.
Trees rustle, orange street lights cast their
soft shadows. From my lips comes the words of
folk songs; I'm apt to sing to myself while walking if no one is around.
It's during these times when I allow that childhood memory of
singing in a band rise again.
Ahead of me two guys and a girl stand in the street with bikes.
"I love my bike!" she yells to the guys clearly drunk.
Embarrassed, my singing ceases and I walk on.
It's all I can do not to stop and rest. I know I'll run the
risk of falling asleep if I do so.

Thus, I happened upon the longest
journey of my life.






















though I say it all
rather loosely.

Self Loathing and all that Shit.

I'm no longer sure what to do with myself.
As i made my way across the city and back to
Wicker Park, I came to the conclusion that I am a coward.

I am a coward because I although
I finally got up the nerve to tell him,
I couldn't find it in me to stick around.
I am a coward because I can never bring myself
to admit to guys that I like them.
I am a coward because what should've been said two years
ago, never was, and I'm sure now I've ruined my chances.
I am a coward because I no longer would even know
what to do with myself should I get in a relationship.

I have a sinking feeling that whatever
self assured mentalities and character traits I now have were
all just self justified excuses to allow myself to become a coward.


Never the less,
I'm now an idiot.
I am an idiot because I drank
too much vodka (for me) and then decided
to travel across the city too late at night.
I'm an idiot because after I got home (though gillian
didn't think it was possible), in my drunken state I completely
lost my keys. There is now a now a hole in my memory as to where
I put them. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do.

Gap

It was mid November and I had been working at Gap for a few weeks. Being that it was just before the whole “Thanksgiving/Christmas shopping fiasco,” they had all five hundred employees working to unpack the stock whenever there was a spare moment.
I had just gotten to work and seeing that the Body floor was pretty dead, my manager Lucy assigned me to unpacking stock along with a girl named Samantha. I was feeling fairly confident since I’d done this the day before. All around us, people were hacking away thin white strips of plastic that kept the boxes closed, removing clothing from the boxes, and staking them into semi neat piles. Seeing us, one of the stockroom guys turned to us. In his hand he held a box cutter. Looking at it I could tell that it was dull, but the guy handed it off to me anyway and took his leave.
I began the long process of unpacking. Since the blade was dull, I had to come up with my own method of cutting through the plastic strips. I stabbed the middle of the strip, cut right, and then cut left. I was on my forth box when I came across a plastic strip that was even more adverse to the blade than the rest. Further action had to be taken. With my left hand now holding the stubborn plastic strip down, I began my method. Stab the middle, cut right, cut lef-… the box cutter slipped from my had and had pierced an artery in my left arm.
Blood came squirting out like a fountain. My immediate thoughts were: “Wow, I can’t believe I just did that!” and “I guess Quentin Terintino wasn’t over exzadurating with the blood.”
Immediately I grabbed and applied pressure to my forearm where I’d cut myself. Blood seeped through my fingers and onto the floor. I ran to Lucy and said, “Lucy! I’ve been stabbed!” As she looked at the trail of blood I’d left in my wake, she turned pale. Apparently blood wasn’t her thing. She began to look sick.
Either out of concern or simply to remove the sickening sight of me bent over holding my bleeding arm; she ordered me to the bathroom to wash my wound. Two steps in, the bright florescent lights flip on and the door slams behind me, and locks.
My mother had taught my brother and I at a very early age some of the finer points on what to do should you hurt yourself… among those: don’t put ice on a burn (you’ll only make it worse), apply heat to stiff or soar joints/muscles, cold to swollen and/or bruised muscles, and apply pressure to bleeding wounds. Armed with this knowledge, there was no way in hell I was going to remove my hand from my arm while it was still gushing blood.
I did the only thing I could; I stood there listening to my boss and coworkers as they ran around freaking out and yelling advice from the other side of the door. My head began to feel light and the edges of my vision began to turn black.
It was at that moment I began to contemplate death; more precisely my death. Although I had never imagined or wanted to die in the Gap, the overall idea didn’t seem too be frightening. In fact, to slip into that ever-increasing black void seemed more and more comforting as the minutes wore on.
It was then that Lucy burst through the door. She grabbed me and sat me down in a blue plastic chair. The EMT’s they promised were coming. There were two of them. They were both middle aged, over weight and balding. They weaved their way between the mannequin parts and boxes. There were no introductions. Without missing a beat they said, ”So I heard you’ve got a Gap in your arm.” They laughed at their “clever” joke, but although I smiled and laughed with them, I couldn’t help but thinking “Nice guys, how long did it take you to think that one up?” “Oh, hah, yep,” I said aloud instead.
In the end, the wound that made pools the size of Lake Michigan, ended up being an inch long, and a quarter of an inch deep. Thanks to that slit in my skin, I received my first stitches of my life that night.




that paper went over alot better than I though it would.

Subway circa 2009

CTA signs litter the platform at intervals;
once painted white, are now a dirty beige.
Water steadily drips from the man made ceiling
which florescent lights cast shadows.
A platform made of red dyed cement,
it too is dirty with the dust from the feet of travelers.

the train comes.

In the train car,
the ride is bumpy though we travel at 15 miles per hour.
A man confused, asks for directions to Millennium Park Station.
Preoccupied with their own lives, the faces of the passengers seem saddened.
Outside the windows, the only view is walls of the underground.
Reflections of the car inside is the only real view you'll get.

What I Dig About My Apt. Thus Far.

I like that I can sit on my porch.
That everyone is just a little bit closer
and that we can do some ‘growing up’ together.
I like that I can hear birds, see squirrels and chipmunks.
That I can hear people working on their lawns… or whatever they
want to call them.
I like Jewl Osco’s wall on Paulina
and the way it changes during the day. I like
our potted plants and the cut throughs between friends’ places.
I like manikin legs diving through chairs… or what we call our
“Instillation piece”; and that when the wind blows through them,
the trees sound like water flowing through a stream.

My Summer Thus Far

Wake up at 7:08 every morning.
I immediately go to the kitchen to make
a fresh cup of coffee and eat a bagel with cream cheese.
I then proceed to sit in bed while editing the manifest photos
Until I feel good and ready to head out to the porch.
When I do, I sit out t(here) for several hours with my laptop
Stealing wifi when I can. In order to feel productive,
I quietly do chores around the “house”.

When everyone finally wakes up
I head indoors to sit in the living room.
And I eat lunch.
From there, my day begins.
Everything before that is only pre-game.










found a way to tame my hair.. thus, my new summer hair. cuz i'm lazy.

photo[grapher] of the Day. 05.13.09

Levi Wedel


0057_08


0083_07



he also has a blog.

I know that it might
be a little ghetto, but since this
is our last week here and everyone is moving
out, my dorm has put out these boxes for people to
throw their stuff in that they don't want.

And although I know
we're supposed to keep it in there..
only the strong survive man. I'm about
to be broke as shit (as I don't have a job yet
and I'll have to pay bills and afford traveling on the CTA
w/o a upass) soooo if I see food, I'm taking it. just sayin'.


Though I think I might
stop taking since i've already got a ton
of food from today and the amount will last me at least
a week.


idk.

what i mean is

^{No more photos, just photographs.}

No more complacency
no more bull shit work
no more taking it just to please others.
More Quality, less quantity.

I'm taking down everything
I've done over the past 5 years from
the public's eyes, and only leaving them for
those of my friends and family.

I'm reconstructing who
I am as a photographer.
I'm going to explore and find
beauty.. and the essence of things.
No more taking things for face value.
Just because others do it, doesn't mean I'll have to.


Thank God for new friends.
By being who they are, they've put
me in check as a photographer and person.
What have I been doing for the past year?
who the hell knows.


No more creating (only)
for others.

photo[grapher] of the Day. 05.12.09

Anna Ziegler


1164.7343

Every Single Shot.

Screw this,
no more complaints.
Life is good and these are only
mere hurtles that I must jump through.
In all actuality, I am the only thing that holds
myself back. I am my greatest optical.

I need to just do things,
not think about them too much;
not sike myself out.

Cut back on the nostalgia;
I live for today. The time we
live in is exciting and we are able to experience it.
Tomorrow is the day I want it to be and nothing more or less.
It's time to take in all things and appreciate them.




.

What Makes This Week Stressful

there's just all together too much
to do... and not enough time.

worse part is that it keeps
getting piled on.

I'm exhausted
and it's only the beginning.



Plan for today:

-fuck my life
-go to manifest meeting at 9:30a
-work on papers
-take a break and go look at matrices in wicker park
-go home, work on papers
-go to the MOCA and work to work on paper
-do laundry

Blowin' in the Wind

Sam stopped by earlier.
Only me and Bobby Dylan are alive now.
In the moments when i should've been sleeping
I discovered this:



It's an image that really sticks with you.
It's an image I wish I could've created.
for now though, I'll just stare at it's
strange beauty.

Today
-clean
-pack
-finnish final paper for doc & social change (due wends)
-take a shower

Tomorrow (monday)
-wake up early
-beg residence life for access to mail room to get my matting supplies
-run to blick and get matt board cut to size
-run to darkroom and begin matting asap
-go to final foundations/darkroom class and present my final for critique
-go home
-clean
-start/finnish final paper for humanities

Tuesday
-clean and pack
-go to wicker park to look at matrices
-go to MoCA
-begin paper/final presentation for humanities

Wednesday
-go to final Documentary & Social Change class, turn in final paper
-clean and finnish packing
-buy/pick up matrices from store and bring to apartment
-finnish writing final humanities presentation
-sleep at apartment

Thursday
-make sure paper is done
-make sure everything is packed and cleaned
-work at Industry night from 4p-10p
-sleep at apartment

Friday
-wake up and go to the loop
-turn in final humanities paper and presentation
-dick around
-work manifest from 11a-10p
-meet up with dad
-sleep at apartment

Saturday
-wake up
-get breakfast with dad
-move my stuff from plymouth to the loop
-sign out
-hang out with dad till 6p

Sunday
chill the hell out.

Sooo apparently they're making
In An Aeroplane Over the Sea into a play.

i'm just fucking ridiculous.
























i just need to be me at all times... not loose myself in the tiniest bit.

shot that back in feb. it's been a long time coming.

The List

Taking after pete, I'll start.

-I like taking the stairs two at a time
-I like sleeping during the rain
-i like the smell of my brother's cologne
-I like my brother and miss him more than he knows
-I like my parents and family and miss the rest of them as well
-I like my baby nephew wilson and zetta
-I like slack lining
-I like eating with friends
-I like large bodies of water
-I like staring off into fire
-I like ring-billed gulls
-I like bears
-I like that me and my best friend both named our childhood stuffed teddy polar-bears "Bear Bear"
-I like sitting around all day reading books
-I like movies that I can get into
-I like documentaries
-I like the smell of dirt (like the way Plymouth's stairwells smell like
-I like passionate people
-I like people that aren't afraid to step outside of their comfort zones
-I like people that don't care what others think
-I like having no drama
-I like walking and singing along lake michigan
-I like traveling
-I like the idea of studying and living abroad
-I would like to go to New York City one day
-I like that I'll be going to up-state New York to visit family for the 1st time in years in the summer
-I like my TA Kelly because she's fun and amazing
-I like waking up soar in the morning after working out (I feel accomplished)
-I like sitting out in the park
-I like "oldies" music
-I like singing (on any occasion)
-I like sitting and playing guitar by the window and watching the world go by
-I like having dinner with my family
-I like buying gifts for my parents that weren't bought with their money in some way
-I like the tought of one day being able to provide for my parents like they've done for me all these years
-I like listening to music loud enough in my ears to where I feel like my life is synced with a soundtrack
-I like simon and garfunkel
-I like watching "old" movies
-I like learning about other cultures
-I like figuring out/learning what made people who they are standing infront of me at that moment
-I like taking care of my friends
-I like riding the "L" tracks
-I like japanese hibachi grills
-I like mongolian bbq
-I like chinese food
-I like tex-mex and mexican food
-I like making spaghetti sauce from scratch because it reminds me of my mom
-I like fall the most, but I like spring as well
-I like conversations over coffee, tea, beer or wine on my porch
-I like watching the sunset
-I like the smell of photo chemicals on my hands
-I like flossing and finding stuff in my teeth (i feel it validates the process of flossing)
-I like having my eye brows waxed
-I like not knowing what my favorite color is
-I love old photographs
-I like the darkroom (it's comforting)
-I like that I now know some people in the darkroom
-I like talking to those people in the darkroom and helping them figure out their prints
-I love my dog Peanut
-I love that my first pets were named after civil war generals- Stonewall Jackson (my dog) and Ulysses S. Grant (my cat)
-I like the idea of getting a black cat and naming it Vengeance just because
-I like fields... no matter what Alex says
-I like receiving mail that isn't bills or junk mail
-I like history
-I love hearing stories about my parents before they were my parents
-I love my bestfriend Trib
-I like that my other bestfriend Cam is going to becoming up to chicago in the summer
-I like good photographers
-I like imagining scenes in my mind when I listen to music
-I like film (as a medium.. not a craft.. photo film)
-I like not writing blog entries straight across
-I like to think that I'll be able to do something significant with my life
-I like to believe one day I'll have a love life
-I like tea
-I like being a barista (when I can)
-I like my coffee with lots of cream and sugar
-I like video blogs
-I like filming my friends
-I like putting my friends/people in front of the lens and seeing what they do
-I like sandwiches
-I like chocolate
-I like baking
-I like cooking
-I like to rearrange my room when I grow tired of it
-I like lighting
-I like listening to music and watching thunderstorms with the lights off
-I like to play sports non-competitively/outside of a league
-I like to watch sports when in the mood
-I like wine and cheese
-I like a well carbonated beer
-I like well carbonated pepsi and dr. pepper
-I just like dr. pepper in general
-I like to drink water
-I like granola
-I like dancing in my apartment/home when no one is around
-I like sleeping in oversized hoodies and underwear
-I like lounging around in boxers
-I like to discuss politics, phycology, theories, news, religion, ect..
-I like music, but who doesn't
-I like being ridiculous
-I like cleaning when I'm stressed
-I like the thin curling smoke incense creates
-I like graffiti and street art
-I like being in movie theaters
-I like watching movies in the dark while rapped up in a blanket
-I like watching beatles music videos
-I like watching footage of old performances from the 50's-70's
-I like being with friends
-I like being alone
-I like naps
-I like to sleep in completely darkrooms that are silent
-I like making lists
-I like writing lists
-I like to keep up with whatever one (that I care about) is doing
-I like unexpected visits from friends
-I like visits from friends
-I like changing my hair when I get bored
-I like procrastinating
-I like to sometimes create awkward situations just to see what happens
-I like the smell of fresh laundry
-I like the smell of 'clean' more than anything
-I like the smell of things baking
-I like panting
-I like feeling productive (which i was earlier but now i'm not)
-I like feeling full... but not too full
-I like being told that my work is good
-I hate being told that I'm a good photographer (I always feel awkward and don't know what to say)
-I like days where the weather feels perfect
-I like getting songs stuck in my head
-I like knowing that I only do certain things around people if I feel comfortable with them (i.e. sing, dance, be affectionate)
-I like knowing that I rarely lie
-I like the idea of being in a band
-I like it when my room is clean (though I rarely is)
-I like people with good humor
-I like seeing who we used to be and realizing who we are
-I like the few times that I'm eloquent
-I like moleskins
-I like finishing journals
-I like collaboration
-I like that pete's friends are moving to chicago
-I like the idea of traveling to Wisconsin, indiana, and michigan this summer
-I like songs where I know every word
-I like road trips
-I like touring
-I like sleeping in my own bed
-I like swimming
-I like epcot
-I like words (most times)
-I like sub-cultures
-I like Jimmy Jones
-I like NOT eating at subway
-I like having money
-I like loosing money
-I like being broke
-I like the idea of doing what I want to do for the rest of my life
-I like stories
-I like the 1960's
-I like the 1920's
-I like 2009
-I like not loosing shit
-I like understanding things
-I like being able to think
-I like hugs from cat
-I like the idea of being done with moving and packing
-I like reflecting
-I like being native american although I wish i knew more about my heritage
-I like that no one can tell you who you are
-I like being able to find songs that are stuck in your head
-I like hummus
-I like the possibilities of what i could do
-I like change
-I like being apart of historical events
-I like judging what is historical and what isn't
-I like learning
-I like being in book stores for hours just figuring out what I wanna read
-I like movie stores for the same reason
-I like the journey
-I like the hunt
-I like the results
-I like diptychs
-I like thinking outside of the box
-I like trying new things
-I like being comfortable
-I like being uncomfortable
-I like the idea of time travel, though I fear it
-I like knowing that fears about both the swine flu and year 2012 is bull shit
-I like "quotations"
-I like seeing certain people
-I like being in chicago
-I'd like to be in Buenos Aries
-I like full sized beds
-I will like having my own bed in my apartment
-I like having my own room
-I like that i've tried out many different things so far in my life
-I like sushi and will have some for lunch
-I like lunchables
-I like Pete and Pete
-I like Are You Afraid of the Dark
-I like paranormal stuff
-I like retro and vintage stuff
-I like shopping with my mother
-I like home cooked meals
-I like grilling with Michael, Chris, and Kevin
-I like that we're trying to get an artist community going
-I like that people are intrigued and would like to form one too
-I like contrasty images
-I like shadows
-I like medium format
-I like the feeling of weightlessness that you get while swimming
-I like how my fingers and toes shrivel up after being in the water too long
-I like how light reflects off of water
-I like empty parking lots in the loop
-I like making ideas into tangible-physical forms
-I like completeing things
-I like giving up on things
-I like different perspectives
-I like adding periods after things weather they need them or not.



I'll add more later.. need to be productive.

My good friend from canada
is coming in to chicago... actually he's supposed
to have landed landed in O'hare a bit ago.
Freaking excited.. I love adam. I'm supposed to
be in the darkroom today but I think I might skip out for a few
hours just cuz I'm not sure when I'll ever get to see him again unless
I get to go to Nova Scotia

freaking adorable!

Photo[grapher] of the Day. 05.05.09

Alexis Maurice Brien



High on the Road I


Montreal Bleu- Lignes


Le Lustre

Thoughts on History

here's a new one.

The Past makes the Future possible.

Photo[grapher] of the Day. 05.04.09

New Deal:
I fully realize there's
not many people (if any) that read this blog..
but even still, in an effort to try to showcase some
very good photographers that I've watched over the past
year to couple of years, daily I will try to post a photo or two
from my contacts on flickr as well as from my "favs" gallery on DA.

Todays: Tobias Brabansk
I've watched his work on DeviantArt for at least a year or so now
(he goes under the name CrazyTob on there) and have continually been
impressed by how simple yet intriguing his work is. He takes moments from
his everyday life and showcases them. I really dig that. Check out his gallery as well
as his blog.


10723.007

10723.006

i had to laugh, I saw the photograph.
I like to turn you on.