Cat says that history holds
the present captive. Jeff Shiltz
says that history doesn't stay put.
I've known and believed what Jeff says
but i'm beginning to believe Cat too.

What is it that draws me
to the 1960's and 70's? I'd like
to say "I'm not sure," but I've got an
inkling. My mother was born in 1953,
and my father was born in 1947. In 1971
my mother graduated high school, and my father
probably did some where around 1965.
Though my father generally never really opened up
much about his life before being my father, my mother has.
As strange as it may seem I always considered the times when they'd
share stories of their youth with me to be special
and in some sense I felt honored.

From my father, the darker stories from
the 50's and 60's came through. On those
rare occasions, he'd tell me stories about growing
up in a ghetto in up-state new york. About how he
got jumped one day and how he had to learn to defend
himself. He'd tell me about the time when his mother died
and how he, his little brother wally, and his father all with-drew
into themselves afterwards and how it became the downfall of their
relationship as a family. He told me about the time when his father married
a woman not much older than him and how she wanted nothing to do with my
father or his brother. And how right after graduating from high school his father
told him to move out; he imagined how betrayed Wally must have been when dad left
for college... "leaving him" to defend for himself against their father and that woman.
He told me about how he got out of going to vietnam because of some surgery but also
how to this day he refuses to eat vietnamese food because the memories of how so many
of his friend died because of that war are still so strong.

From my mother the stories
where more varied when it came to tone.
Though she'd never go into too much detail,
she told me about how it was to grow up in a small town
where everyone knew your family and how it was to live with parents
who were alcoholics and justified their early drinking habits with the phrase
"It's always 5 o'clock somewhere". She told me about how her little sister Nancy
told everyone that she wanted to be a kindergarden drop-out and that she was an
indian princess. She told me of trips to Texas where they'd stock up on Dr. Pepper, frito's
and corn-dogs because they just didn't have those things in Up-state New York at that time.
And how her father would let them buy as much fabric as they'd like in order to sew their own clothing
but how they could never go out and buy their own clothes despite how well off their family was.
She told me about how her father used to make everyone take their hats off inside of the house
and when she brought her potential boyfriends over how he'd inspect them and if they
had a hole in their pants how he'd put his finger in it and rip that hole right through until their entire pant leg
was open. She also told me about her friend the "long haired hippy weirdo", as her father referred to him, and how
he'd ride his bike from one county through the mountains over to Broadalbin just to see her and their friends.
She also told me about the boyfriends she had. How she'd generally date the athletic types... but how she also
ended up dating a drummer from some local band and ended up with my father a "geek". Though I heard the story
of the guy she dated in college from Long Island and her trip there to meet his family and the comments they
made about how she had a "pushed up Protestant nose" or the classic "she's a nice girl but too bad she isn't jewish",
she did tell me once the story of a guy she dated in high school that had proposed to her right before
he left for vietnam, and how she had to turn him down.

It's with that history I was raised. From the time they brought me
home, music, objects, and stories from that era have been in the undertones
of my life. There's hardly a time that I can remember we didn't listen to the so called
"oldies" when were were in the car or didn't have it blasting whenever we did chores.
As I grow older I realize that these things have wound themselves into my very being.
I am just as much a product of the 1960's as were my parents or any other person
that grew up then. And in a sense I am captive of that era. History repeats it's self.
My father taught me that. I look at events that happened when they were my age and
I see correlation's with what's happening now. I am a captive.

but, i'm not too troubled by it... but i do sometimes wonder if
it skews my views on what's happening now.

childhood memories

Summer of Love

^{I'm deeming summer of 2009
the 'Summer of Love'. This isn't
because it's the 40th aniversary of
THE Summer of Love, 1969,  but because what}

the hell else could it be when surrounded by friends

and limited limitations. This could and will be good.

I'm looking forward to it.

I'm compiling a mix for 

this summer which has only old tracks

which I dig. So far I've got:

1. Lets Live for Today by Grass Roots

2. She's Not There by The Zombies

3. For What It's Worth by Buffalo Springfield

4. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones

that's all I have so far.. still working on it.

So I've decided,
fuck all my other ideas.
I suppose good things can come through
from bad things. I found that along with my
35mm camera, my medium format camera is broken too.
I've been kinda stressed out all day about it but went through
and developed and made 4 contact sheets and one print (thus far)
from my rolls.

Anyway, I was looking at
the contact sheets for those rolls of film
and decided on a new theme.

I want to explore
the current state of my friendships
via photography while employing every/any trick
in the"book" in order to communicate that. Weather it be
in focus, blurry, panned, timelappsed, head out of frame/cut off,
them and/or me in frame or not... idk anything I can.

So far I have one print and thus far
it's the 1st photo that i've been extremely happy
with mostly because I think it's the first truthful thing I've
shot in a long time. I think it really gives insight into the kinds of
people that me and (my bestfriend) michael as well as our relationship.
I'm hoping to achieve the same truth with all the photos that I shoot for this project.

Medicine + Journeying

at 20 years old,
i'm still only trying to
understand the world around me.
















and maybe things that
can't be explained logically as well.

cat once told me that
you could tell alot about a photographer
from their work. I wonder if that's true.
Because i've been very good at this.

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy is a strange beast.

All Things Considered.

She's slipping through my fingers
and despite my best efforts, I feel like
I'm going to loose her weather I will it or not.
At times I feel like it's as if we're breaking up.

Last night when I got off the train
I had to take sometime to myself;
thus I went on a mini journey.
I gave offerings to the great 'ocean'
that is Lake Michigan and walked among
the great birds of the air. They were the only
ones there to feel my sadness.
But that's the way I willed it.

After all, I hate being 'weak' in front of people.
It's in my nature.

I need to hop
on learning spanish.







Argentina, 2010/11?
think so.

Possible Plan for Today

-finnish eating toast w/ butter & grape jam
-finnish this list
-take a shower & straighten my hair
-get box from mail room
-get lunch from the UC
-shoot for comparative assignment
-take out money of apartment
-get money order
-go to wicker park with maddy to look at furniture
-go to my bank, bank of america or chase to deposit check
-go to gap get my W4
-scan in my W4 end email it to dad
-go to the UC for dinner
-go to dark room
-clean kitchen, living room, bathroom
-start packing
-take photos for finals of packing
-figure out what the hell is goin' on for easter this weekend
-figure out where to find the money for it
-figure out what's goin on for the christening of the apartment next friday
-cure cancer





might have to move some of these things
to tomorrow.. so much stuff

my fellow photographers.

I've always been a big fan of
Bobby Doherty's work. It's been nice
and strange to see his work progress over
the last couple of years. There's been a tremendous
change of style in his work from when he was in high school
to now as (nearly) a Jr. in college at SVA.
Anyway, you guys should check out his work..
it's generally worth checking out.

just sayin'




^{p.s. I hate the way blogspot cuts off photos.. -_-}

Human Interactions,
why are they so complicated?
Why is it so hard for me to tell the
guy I like, exactly just that, that I like them
or to tell my best friend that I love her and that she
means the world to me and that I don't want her
to go?

Refusing to sleep
I have my doubts, I'm in a funk.
Being surrounded by people that are
good at what they do and agressivly go after
what they want everyday is inspiring and daunting.
Watching and listening to them fills me with joy and leads
me to doubts.

I see their work
and I wonder "what the hell have
I been doing to progress in my work/craft,
and to share my vision?" "not much" is the only
answer that I can come up with. There was a time when
i would plan shoots and or take time to myself to go out to
explore and photograph... and in the very lease spend more than
a second or two framing up the shot. There was thought to it. OR at least
a bit of thought. Now my work is filled with party photos, shots of freinds hanging
out and wedding photos. Is this the a product of laziness or rather just a new direction
in which my work is going? or possibly both? I have no clue.

I needed a space where I could
layout what I thought were pretty good examples of
my work and what I am capable of. I've begun another flickr...
some place where I don't just "vomit up" everything that I had shoot.
I'm at a point where I need to see if my work stands up to those around me.
I'm not sure that it does. I realize that my style of photography is very diffrent from
those of my peers; but even still I'm not sure if the things that make up my style
make it seem some how less mature. I think that's the main thing that I
need to find in and for my photography, a sense a maturity.

Trying to gain insperation
I've been looking at the portfolios of
new and old favorites... the likes of
Ryan Pfluger, Becky Tillett, Anna Celii, Rodney Smith
Amy Stein, Boogie, Aaron Farley, Andrew Hefter, Anik Hankan,
Llyod Hughes, Will Govus, and Erin Olaf

Seeing their work
and mine together, I realize that
my roots in past experiences working both as a
fashion & music photographer still stretch and profoundly
effect the work that I do today. I'm not sure if I should find a
way to suppress that or if I could even if wanted to. Those experiences
are after all my building blocks.

Although this is all
very daunting to myself, I still realize
that this is in fact a good thing. If given the chance
this is an inner struggle which will raise my work to the next level.
The last time this sort of thing happened, it lasted for years, but brought me
to a point where I could actually be proud of what I'd shot. Let's hope this continues
to be true for this next battle with photography.

Once again I'm reduced to the level of a child picking up
the camera for the first time. Humility has broken in, and I feel like I
don't know what the hell I'm doing or what the fuck I'm talking about.
I'll take this one step at a time.

Did I ever tell you insecurities could be a good thing?





I'm skipping class to personally focus on photography by myself.
I'm forcing myself out into the cold April snows to see what I can get.
Tonight I'm going to Jes's for a critique and time with some fellow photographers.
I don't think I'll have much to present except some old[er] work.

Never be complacent in your craft.
Struggle and Grapple with it. Have your doubts.
Push YOURSELF to figure that shit out. Face what
troubles you. You've got everything to prove to yourself.




My lens is broken.
I've received free film although
i most likely will not be needing it
for assignments. I'll be forced to shoot
with my manual film cameras.... which is good anyway
as I seem to be more concuss of what it is exactly that I'm
taking/creating. It's good. I need this.

Two Things.

Do you trust me now?




Did I ever tell you insecurities could be a good thing?

^{it's a sunny day in chicago
and the heat is hitting my head.
A stillness has invaded the room.
Godspeed You! only helps to move it along.}

is it strange
that I feel like within the next
6 months, the art/inspiration atmosphere
that I had originally sought in coming to columbia
will finally be achieved? Meaning that, I think I've finally
found a group of people that are completely passionate about
their craft to a ridiculous degree. They don't kind of love it, they don't
like it. They live it, they breath it, and if they could, or when they can, they
eat it. Their craft is an essential and dynamic part of who they are.

Sitting on the beach talking to my friend
Sam Gove, he told me he once said to his [ex]
girlfriend that his camera comes before her; he was completely
serious. Apparently she was offended by that... but
personally I kind of think that's the way it ought to be.
Because no offense to significant others but what I do
and what I create will always be a profound part of me weather
others stay or go.

I really enjoy that I've found people
of like mind[s]. It's really inspiring to be
around those kinds of people no matter what their
craft is.

Secretly I've been wanting to
start a sort of artist collective... uh
a salon if you will. Sort of like The Factory..
but not in the way that one person is the dominate
person or creator there... and I would definitely not have
anyone like Andy Warhol who would completely use and rip off
the fellow artist around him with in his circle.
I want to be able to help take care of my friends/fellow artists
the way that Alfred Stieglitz did. Obviously I have neither the money
nor the connections that he did... but it would be nice.
For now, i suppose Ill just continue to have a place where my friends
are welcome to stay and feed them... and if possible continue to have things
that they can barrow or use to help them articulate and carry through with their visions.

it occurred to me the other day
that when I look at people and then
see their work, it's never the [kind of] style that
I'd imagine them to create... or vice versa.
This is true of the Mountain Goats singer
as well as my dark room teacher Chris Schneberg.
Both guys seem to be incredibly relaxed and actually
rather hilarious. Despite this both of their work is kind of
dark in a way. I dig this though as it is a complete surprise.

Speaking of which, I've
been checking out my professor's work
(both Chris Schneberg and Javiar Carmona) lately.
I've gotta say that although I'm impressed by chris's
work, there are very few images that javiar (my photo I professor)
has created that I'm impressed with... which is entirely frustrating...
especially when it seems that he's trying to suppress our (the students)
ability to create or continue to use our own sense of style.
Idk I feel like with his photography, yeah maybe he used "the rules"
but his photos have no light, soul, or poetry to them... you know what I mean?
There's nothing to keep me there compelled. Rules only get you so far.

Chris's work is pretty cool. You can definately
tell that he loves the dark room. The majority of subjects
that he shoots are of situations/things that look to have taken place
awhile ago (like turn of the century) and the photos themselves have been
treated as such... so they even feel like they're from that era.
If you went to a gallery showing, you'd be able to see that he takes
it even a step further and makes 3D images out of his photos. He
doesn't use 3D in a way that what ever it is in the foreground pops way
out at you... but rather to give the photos a sense of depth... much in the style/way
that Coraline does. I dig it.

3D:

Oddly, I'm having quite a run-in with
photographers lately. On the way back home
to chicago from dallas, by chance, I happened to
be sat by a photo professor from RISD named John Hames.
I guess he's actually been a photographer for quiet some time now
(30 years). But it was pretty sweet cuz beside being able have great conversations
with him over the coarse of two flights (dallas to Little Rock, Little Rock to Chicago)
he was able to give me some photoshop advice and street shooting & documentary shooting
advice... which lol I'm sort of in desperate need of.
Also, it was nice to meet another photographer to works primarily with
a wide angle lens (he said he shoots mainly with a 28mm lens) which is nice
as I've been feeling kind of pressured over the coarse of the semester to shoot with
a normal to telephoto lens... but I'm realizing that shooting wide angle is pretty much just
my style.

John Hames:

other than that,
i'm at odds of what to do
with myself today. There's a secret show
or other from one of the guys that used to be in
Death from Above, think i'm going to that.
It's gonna be crazy, two shows in two days. I
can't even tell you the last time i went to a show in chicago.