Human Interactions,
why are they so complicated?
Why is it so hard for me to tell the
guy I like, exactly just that, that I like them
or to tell my best friend that I love her and that she
means the world to me and that I don't want her
to go?

Refusing to sleep
I have my doubts, I'm in a funk.
Being surrounded by people that are
good at what they do and agressivly go after
what they want everyday is inspiring and daunting.
Watching and listening to them fills me with joy and leads
me to doubts.

I see their work
and I wonder "what the hell have
I been doing to progress in my work/craft,
and to share my vision?" "not much" is the only
answer that I can come up with. There was a time when
i would plan shoots and or take time to myself to go out to
explore and photograph... and in the very lease spend more than
a second or two framing up the shot. There was thought to it. OR at least
a bit of thought. Now my work is filled with party photos, shots of freinds hanging
out and wedding photos. Is this the a product of laziness or rather just a new direction
in which my work is going? or possibly both? I have no clue.

I needed a space where I could
layout what I thought were pretty good examples of
my work and what I am capable of. I've begun another flickr...
some place where I don't just "vomit up" everything that I had shoot.
I'm at a point where I need to see if my work stands up to those around me.
I'm not sure that it does. I realize that my style of photography is very diffrent from
those of my peers; but even still I'm not sure if the things that make up my style
make it seem some how less mature. I think that's the main thing that I
need to find in and for my photography, a sense a maturity.

Trying to gain insperation
I've been looking at the portfolios of
new and old favorites... the likes of
Ryan Pfluger, Becky Tillett, Anna Celii, Rodney Smith
Amy Stein, Boogie, Aaron Farley, Andrew Hefter, Anik Hankan,
Llyod Hughes, Will Govus, and Erin Olaf

Seeing their work
and mine together, I realize that
my roots in past experiences working both as a
fashion & music photographer still stretch and profoundly
effect the work that I do today. I'm not sure if I should find a
way to suppress that or if I could even if wanted to. Those experiences
are after all my building blocks.

Although this is all
very daunting to myself, I still realize
that this is in fact a good thing. If given the chance
this is an inner struggle which will raise my work to the next level.
The last time this sort of thing happened, it lasted for years, but brought me
to a point where I could actually be proud of what I'd shot. Let's hope this continues
to be true for this next battle with photography.

Once again I'm reduced to the level of a child picking up
the camera for the first time. Humility has broken in, and I feel like I
don't know what the hell I'm doing or what the fuck I'm talking about.
I'll take this one step at a time.

Did I ever tell you insecurities could be a good thing?





I'm skipping class to personally focus on photography by myself.
I'm forcing myself out into the cold April snows to see what I can get.
Tonight I'm going to Jes's for a critique and time with some fellow photographers.
I don't think I'll have much to present except some old[er] work.

Never be complacent in your craft.
Struggle and Grapple with it. Have your doubts.
Push YOURSELF to figure that shit out. Face what
troubles you. You've got everything to prove to yourself.




My lens is broken.
I've received free film although
i most likely will not be needing it
for assignments. I'll be forced to shoot
with my manual film cameras.... which is good anyway
as I seem to be more concuss of what it is exactly that I'm
taking/creating. It's good. I need this.

Two Things.

Do you trust me now?




Did I ever tell you insecurities could be a good thing?

^{it's a sunny day in chicago
and the heat is hitting my head.
A stillness has invaded the room.
Godspeed You! only helps to move it along.}

is it strange
that I feel like within the next
6 months, the art/inspiration atmosphere
that I had originally sought in coming to columbia
will finally be achieved? Meaning that, I think I've finally
found a group of people that are completely passionate about
their craft to a ridiculous degree. They don't kind of love it, they don't
like it. They live it, they breath it, and if they could, or when they can, they
eat it. Their craft is an essential and dynamic part of who they are.

Sitting on the beach talking to my friend
Sam Gove, he told me he once said to his [ex]
girlfriend that his camera comes before her; he was completely
serious. Apparently she was offended by that... but
personally I kind of think that's the way it ought to be.
Because no offense to significant others but what I do
and what I create will always be a profound part of me weather
others stay or go.

I really enjoy that I've found people
of like mind[s]. It's really inspiring to be
around those kinds of people no matter what their
craft is.

Secretly I've been wanting to
start a sort of artist collective... uh
a salon if you will. Sort of like The Factory..
but not in the way that one person is the dominate
person or creator there... and I would definitely not have
anyone like Andy Warhol who would completely use and rip off
the fellow artist around him with in his circle.
I want to be able to help take care of my friends/fellow artists
the way that Alfred Stieglitz did. Obviously I have neither the money
nor the connections that he did... but it would be nice.
For now, i suppose Ill just continue to have a place where my friends
are welcome to stay and feed them... and if possible continue to have things
that they can barrow or use to help them articulate and carry through with their visions.

it occurred to me the other day
that when I look at people and then
see their work, it's never the [kind of] style that
I'd imagine them to create... or vice versa.
This is true of the Mountain Goats singer
as well as my dark room teacher Chris Schneberg.
Both guys seem to be incredibly relaxed and actually
rather hilarious. Despite this both of their work is kind of
dark in a way. I dig this though as it is a complete surprise.

Speaking of which, I've
been checking out my professor's work
(both Chris Schneberg and Javiar Carmona) lately.
I've gotta say that although I'm impressed by chris's
work, there are very few images that javiar (my photo I professor)
has created that I'm impressed with... which is entirely frustrating...
especially when it seems that he's trying to suppress our (the students)
ability to create or continue to use our own sense of style.
Idk I feel like with his photography, yeah maybe he used "the rules"
but his photos have no light, soul, or poetry to them... you know what I mean?
There's nothing to keep me there compelled. Rules only get you so far.

Chris's work is pretty cool. You can definately
tell that he loves the dark room. The majority of subjects
that he shoots are of situations/things that look to have taken place
awhile ago (like turn of the century) and the photos themselves have been
treated as such... so they even feel like they're from that era.
If you went to a gallery showing, you'd be able to see that he takes
it even a step further and makes 3D images out of his photos. He
doesn't use 3D in a way that what ever it is in the foreground pops way
out at you... but rather to give the photos a sense of depth... much in the style/way
that Coraline does. I dig it.

3D:

Oddly, I'm having quite a run-in with
photographers lately. On the way back home
to chicago from dallas, by chance, I happened to
be sat by a photo professor from RISD named John Hames.
I guess he's actually been a photographer for quiet some time now
(30 years). But it was pretty sweet cuz beside being able have great conversations
with him over the coarse of two flights (dallas to Little Rock, Little Rock to Chicago)
he was able to give me some photoshop advice and street shooting & documentary shooting
advice... which lol I'm sort of in desperate need of.
Also, it was nice to meet another photographer to works primarily with
a wide angle lens (he said he shoots mainly with a 28mm lens) which is nice
as I've been feeling kind of pressured over the coarse of the semester to shoot with
a normal to telephoto lens... but I'm realizing that shooting wide angle is pretty much just
my style.

John Hames:

other than that,
i'm at odds of what to do
with myself today. There's a secret show
or other from one of the guys that used to be in
Death from Above, think i'm going to that.
It's gonna be crazy, two shows in two days. I
can't even tell you the last time i went to a show in chicago.